It strikes me that in order to be hyphenated as I am, I must start with an assumption of subjectivity. If I believed that a divine presence akin to anything Abrahamic orthodoxy celebrates (fears?) actually existed, then I couldn't play around with the concepts as I do. I'm a polythesist mainly because I don't believe in gods at all so I can play with their names at will. For me, its all about philosophy and pragmatism. Which belief system is most likely to lead to the most positive change in the least amount of time? Which one is most comfortable for me and is least likely to piss me off? These are the important philosophical issues. lol I have no patience for those with religious certainty because they are required to ignore or condemn others' realities. They frequently must ignore or condemn their own realities to remain "faithful." They become apologists--contortionists--- to maintain orthodoxy.
Nineteenth-century Spiritualism and contemporary eco-feminism interest me because they share an interest in exploring the self in relationship to the immanent numinous. God is fine, thought the Spiritualists of old, but too far away for me to prove. Aunt Edith is dead but talked to me yesterday. THAT I can grasp. In any case, I'm far more interested in the experiential qualities of spirituality that fall outside of God-talk. I experience connection with the universe I know as a spiritual phenomenon. I understand that this connection can be explained scientifically, but those answers bore me.
Now all this comes out of giving a speech at a secular humanist conference and being blown away by their certainty (and you'll recall I have no patience for certainty) and how remarkably similar to right-wingers they were. Now, I'd much rather hang with an atheist than a right-winger any day because at least we could discuss politics and science but still....I admit leaving that conference feeling shaken, and, to indulge my dh's sense of humor, not stirred. I found their certainty upsetting in that it discounted so much of my most profound experience and left me feeling that what they offered was not even all that interesting. That may be because I'm not the kind of person who is interested in questions like how or what or when. I always want to know the why of things. I could give a crap how something works (a car, a sunset, love, religion). I'm interested in why it works. What does it all mean? What gives it depth and what sets it into flight?
So... I'm looking for a word that means that I honor spirituality and sceptically entertain the notion of divinity but find it of secondary importance. I don't like agnostic as a term. It always sounds more like someone who just can't commit to atheism. While uncertainty is a good thing that pushes us toward greater learning, I long for a term that captures my unertainty but also also captures the potential beauty of non-theistic spirituality. I'm not whatever-it-is-I-am because I haven't found anything better, or because I'm just not ready to throw in my lot with the atheists. I'm this way because this is as authentic as I know how to be. I am right here in the center of my evolving relationship with the universe including all its uncertainties.
Anyway. There it is. Inelegant. Sloppy. *sigh* Oh well.