Thursday, December 18, 2008

Underpants

My grandmother is trying to figure out what I want for Christmas. I guess I haven't been too helpful. "Nothing really. I'm fine." The thing is that I pretty much have all that I need and want. In fact, I'm perpetually purging as I attempt to simplify, simplify, simplify. When pressed, I told her that I could use paper, folders, pens and pencils since I am trying to get back into writing and such things are also quite handy when one is teaching college classes and homeschooling children.

My mother called me up this week and said that my grandmother wants to buy me jewelry. "Oh no! Tell her not to do that!" I almost never wear jewelry except for an occasional paganish pendant (and then mostly just to aggravate conservatives). I don't even wear my wedding band or engagement ring. Jewelry feels just too much. Too heavy. Too enslaving. Ever put a leash on a cat? If you have, you know of what I speak.

Then my mother tells me that my grandmother wants to buy me pretty underpants. What?!!! No! My god in heaven! I urged my mother to make it clear to Grandma that this is not the best choice for me.

Since my teen years I have been militant about this point. There is no reason I can discern (or respect) for wearing frilly underdoddies. Underpants serve a practical function which we needn't elaborate upon in this post. The "other purpose" of underthings I entirely reject. I have always believed that one wears underpants under one's clothes for a reason. When the underwear is visible to others, it should still decently cover one's person. If one's underpants are visible to a loved one with whom one wishes to be uncovered, typically that last remaining garment is on its way off the body and then it hardly matters anymore whether they were cotton briefs or lace whore pants. (Yes. whore pants. Some of you are into this kind of thing and probably think I'm a miserable prude. Well, I am a miserable prude. Don't get your knickers in a twist). I certainly will not spend my day picking a lacy thong out of my nether region so my partner can have a few seconds of thrill (although what is so thrilling about a few scraps of fabric is beyond me). If I can't make him happy with the equipment God gave me, tough shit for him.

In any case, I am just horrified by Grandma's notion that I would want such a garment and that I would want it from her! Ack!

Beyond that, this has taught me something about myself. I dislike the idea of frilliness for its own sake. It makes me physically and psychically uncomfortable to think of spending money on items that are meant only for frivolity or um...enhancement.

The world and its peoples are sliding headlong into a nightmare of poverty, ecological disaster and war. That's all I can think about all the time. I'm all twisted with anxiety for my children's future. Wearing satin on my arse sure as hell isn't going to make those feelings go away. At least with a notebook and a pen, I could write all about it.

6 comments:

Lone Star Ma said...

I hope someone gives you a notebook and a pen - that are not too fancy or anything.

Squirrel said...

Ah, underwear. This made me smile.

In addition, I have to say I've seen you on the internet before, but due to an unfortunate computer crash, I can't say where. Here, maybe? The username sounds familiar, but the Quaker-pagan-vegan-feminist combination does not! Do you have another blog or internet presence? Are you myself in some alternate reality where I get my shit together and earn a PhD? I hope you don't mind my subscribing to your blog.

Squirrel said...

Ah, I found where I linked you on my blog. :) That must be the memory.

Hystery said...

Lone Star Ma, I did receive a folder and pens but no paper and notebooks. I did, however, receive an old school pencil sharpener. You know the kind that they have in the backs of elementary school classrooms? I am delighted.

Squirrel, it is good to meet you. There are so few feminist, vegan pagans out there and I am delighted whenever I find another. It is lonely to be this ridiculously ethical, don't you think? We must stick together.

All readers should note that no underpants were bestowed upon me on Christmas morn. All is well in the world--Except for the injustice, squalor, misery, and avarice...and the little detail of the planet dying---But apart from that, all is well.

Dogaroo said...

This is yet another of your posts that made me smile. I don't wear jewelry either (other than an occasional rock on a soft cord or ribbon, and only because that particular rock's energy feels good that day) and I sure as heck don't wear satin OR lace on me arse! ;-)

Sometimes I manage to coordinate my clothing with my Rock of the Day. Usually I'm doing well if my shirt & pants happen to match. Some days it's all I can do to remember to wear a shirt AND pants. I drove halfway to work once before I realized I had forgotten to put pants on over my long johns.... My legs felt covered, so I didn't clue in, y'know??

btw, if you ever feel like emailing me, I have a gmail account with this same username. I should warn you, though: If you mention autism or dogs (my two "special interests"), I'm likely to tell you more than you ever cared to know about them. ;-)

Hystery said...

Dogaroo, that is too funny that you forgot your pants. I've never done that but I have taught an entire class with my top mis-buttoned in a dramatically obvious way (to all except for me). That no one said anything to me may indicate that didn't strike them as particularly odd for me.