I find myself in a gray box. Outside the box, the world waits for me. It waits for my contributions, my skills, and my gifts but I can't seem to leave the box.
Lately I seem to be just pacing and swaying in place, nearly paralyzed by my inability to move forward with any plans or goals. Ha! What plans and goals? A million years ago I knew what I wanted but today I feel completely uncertain of where I want to go, what I want to accomplish and even who I am. Since completing my doctorate, I've been demoralized and frozen, completely disgusted with my inability to grasp onto any ideas that would propel me forward.
I suppose part of it is that the momentum of my graduate work finally dumped me into a reality that I had not fully anticipated. I have a useless degree, a dead-end teaching job, and no ambition. (What happened to my ambition? I used to have loads of ambition.) About two years have passed since graduation and I just continue teaching despite the fact that it gets me nowhere.
Most troubling of all is my sense that I have wandered away from my calling, that Voice that beckons, chides, and challenges me toward my mission. Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? All the old tools that used to help magnify that Voice seem to have lost their power. I strain to hear but the Voice is all but stilled.
And this writing sucks. Sucks. I can't even do this anymore. I don't know how many times I've tried to write a blog entry only to abandon it partially completed. I'm bored and discouraged, and disappointed and increasingly pointless as a human being. A waste of education. A waste of time. A waste of sentiment. A waste of skin.
But I do have faith- just a very little held in reserve. If I did not have this tiny fragment of faith, I would not write this entry and I would not push the publish button. I know that while this is poorly written, self-pitying, irrelevant crap, someone will read it and will offer some small nudge. Perhaps there is a little tear in a corner of this gray box. Perhaps I will see the light and move toward it. And so now I push the publish button and wait....