Sometimes, when I'm trying to accomplish something outside my daily routine I feel as though I'm trying to reach for something on a tall cupboard shelf while balancing on one roller skate. The children need my time. The house requires work. My mother and father need my help. My grandmother requires care. My students clamor for my attention. Papers need grading. Lectures must be written and lessons must be planned. Speeches and costumes have to be prepared. Animals need attention. Plants need tending...and then.
And then I try to read something and my mind just....
I get so distracted. I begin to read a blog or an article and my mind does this annoying jumpy thing. I keep beginning articles at the end. I then skip up toward the middle and then up again to the top. I scan downwards for details that might interest me before realizing there are no details anywhere, ever that interest me. This all takes place within the first minute or two. Within moments, I grow intolerant of my own tedious inattention and skip to something else. When I try to write, I find myself growing impatient or weary or discouraged by the process. Nothing seems right. All my words come out lumpy and flattened on one side. My ideas seem all disheveled like I slept in them. Or they're all raw and angry as if I filtered them through some melancholic adolescent.
It frustrates me to be so incapable of keeping it together. I used to be (or at least I once thought I was) smart. I sure don't feel smart these days. I'm a regular dullard. I can't even comment on others' blogs because I haven't anything clever to say. I read my own comments to myself and realize I may as well be that weirdo who blurts out irrelevancies ("I like beans!") into sophisticated grown-up conversations.
I toy with the idea of eliminating this blog because it makes no real sense to keep it going. I haven't anything interesting to say. We've pretty well established that I'm neurotic and gloomy. That can only go so far.
And yet. Hmm. After so many months I'm apparently drawn back to it. (I keep using passive voice. I should analyze what that means later...)
I think maybe I want popcorn. Or beans. I like beans.