Friday, April 12, 2013

Scatter-brained

Sometimes, when I'm trying to accomplish something outside my daily routine I feel as though I'm trying to reach for something on a tall cupboard shelf while balancing on one roller skate.  The children need my time.  The house requires work.  My mother and father need my help.  My grandmother requires care.  My students clamor for my attention.  Papers need grading.  Lectures must be written and lessons must be planned.  Speeches and costumes have to be prepared.  Animals need attention.  Plants need tending...and then. 

And then I try to read something and my mind just....

I get so distracted.  I begin to read a blog or an article and my mind does this annoying jumpy thing.  I keep beginning articles at the end.  I then skip up toward the middle and then up again to the top. I scan downwards for details that might interest me before realizing there are no details anywhere, ever that interest me.  This all takes place within the first minute or two.  Within moments, I grow intolerant of my own tedious inattention and skip to something else.  When I try to write, I find myself growing impatient or weary or discouraged by the process.  Nothing seems right.  All my words come out lumpy and flattened on one side.  My ideas seem all disheveled like I slept in them.  Or they're all raw and angry as if I filtered them through some melancholic adolescent. 

It frustrates me to be so incapable of keeping it together.  I used to be (or at least I once thought I was) smart.  I sure don't feel smart these days.  I'm a regular dullard.  I can't even comment on others' blogs because I haven't anything clever to say.  I read my own comments to myself and realize I may as well be that weirdo who blurts out irrelevancies ("I like beans!") into sophisticated grown-up conversations. 

I toy with the idea of eliminating this blog because it makes no real sense to keep it going.  I haven't anything interesting to say.  We've pretty well established that I'm neurotic and gloomy.  That can only go so far. 

And yet.  Hmm.  After so many months I'm apparently drawn back to it.  (I keep using passive voice.  I should analyze what that means later...)

I think maybe I want popcorn.  Or beans.  I like beans.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like beans, too.

Lone Star Ma said...

I would miss you. I have missed you. I don't know about you, but, for myself, I blame the sleep deprivation.

Daniel Wilcox said...

Hi Hystery,

No doubt you already know this, it seems you're suffering from burn out(besides real life tragedies and tests and trials).

I won't try and offer platitudes or even good plans...need to apply them in my own situation.

Just wanted you to know there are many of us who value you as you, you as writer, you as thinker, you as friend...

In the Light,
Daniel

BlackberryJuniper and Sherbet said...

No, no! Keep talking. I am never bored, and like Lone Star Ma, I would miss you too. I think you are very smart. That's why you feel not at your best. And I have massive sleep deprivation ( 3 year old with bad acid reflux, never gets through a night or more than 2 hours without waking, ever) and am never ever at my best and yet you kindly said something of mine was brilliant the other day...so we all think better of others than ourselves. See? (By the way, I answered your comment and linked you a small youtube clip that was relevant, I thought. Hope thats not too much.)

Hystery said...

I've never known what to say when people are kind to me. I'm awkward that way. (I'm awkward in lots of ways.) But I will say thank you all for your words of encouragement. It makes a difference.

natcase said...

What everyone else said. I miss your blogging. Do you take a sabbath? I think this is really what sabbaths are for, to give the self time to unknot and unresponsible and uneverything and give itself over to demands that aren't yours or your family's or your job's.

And awkward schmawkward. You're eloquent, even when you're scattered. On the internet, no one can see you cringe.